Stanford's Leadership Hack: The 90-10 Rule
The adage, “It’s better to be respected than liked,” sounds logical for leadership, but its practical application can be tricky. Leaders face two common challenges when navigating this terrain: the natural human tendency to seek approval and the vagueness of the advice itself. Stanford organizational psychologist Bob Sutton offers a straightforward solution—the 90-10 Rule—to help leaders achieve a healthy balance between respect and likability.
The People-Pleasing Trap
Humans are inherently social beings. Our evolutionary history taught us that being part of a group was essential for survival. This ingrained need to seek approval persists today, even among independent-minded entrepreneurs. While being nice and likable has clear benefits—such as creating trust and collaboration—there’s a limit. Leaders overly focused on likability may avoid giving critical feedback, overpromise, or withhold necessary but unpleasant truths. Such tendencies can undermine trust, damage business outcomes, and even harm the leader’s mental and physical health.
The Cost of Being Too Nice
Being too agreeable can lead to:
- Avoiding Tough Conversations: Leaders may shy away from giving constructive criticism.
- Overcommitting: Making promises to please others can strain resources and credibility.
- Inauthentic Behavior: Pretending to be fine with situations to maintain harmony often backfires, leading to a loss of trust.
- Emotional Repression: Suppressing negative emotions for others' benefit can lead to burnout or physical illness.
Enter the 90-10 Rule
Sutton’s 90-10 Rule provides a practical framework for finding the right balance. According to Sutton, it’s acceptable—healthy, even—to aim for 90% of people liking you while accepting that the remaining 10% won’t. This minority often includes individuals who exploit others, are perpetually negative, or clash with your values.
This approach acknowledges the inevitability of conflict while encouraging leaders to stay principled and authentic. Leaders who never upset anyone might be avoiding hard truths, while those disliked by the majority might need to reassess their interpersonal skills. Striking the right ratio ensures you’re neither a pushover nor an unapproachable authoritarian.
Using the Rule in Practice
The 90-10 Rule is a mental tool to help leaders manage the emotional discomfort of displeasing others. When faced with criticism or pushback, remind yourself: “That’s part of the 10%.” This perspective not only helps leaders stay grounded, but also prevents overreaction to inevitable conflicts.
To evaluate your balance, consider:
- Who Likes You?: If nearly everyone is in your corner, you might be sacrificing authenticity for approval.
- Who Dislikes You?: If many find you difficult or unapproachable, your leadership style may need softening.
While the exact ratio isn’t critical, a significant imbalance on either side signals a need for adjustment. Leaders should strive to be respected without losing their humanity or sense of fairness.
The Takeaway
Bob Sutton’s 90-10 Rule provides leaders with a simple yet effective lens to evaluate their leadership style. It serves as a reminder that striving for universal likability is both unrealistic and counterproductive. The true goal is a balance—earning respect while maintaining authentic connections. By accepting that not everyone will like you, leaders can make tough decisions with clarity and confidence, all while creating a healthy and productive workplace.
